We live in a world filled with change and crisis. I live in South Florida. The recent shootings and deaths in Orlando continue to pre-occupy the local news media. Multiple theories were advanced about the shooter’s motives in committing such a horrible crime. Many families experiencing tragedies in the USA and abroad, are mourning the loss of their loved ones and are in crisis. A friend of mine, Angel A., recently wrote a sentence on Facebook that continues to reverberate with me: “The mettle of a human being is proven by how well he deals with and overcomes challenges.”
Professionals say that a crisis may be a turning point or a breaking point. The theory of crises concerns how people are able to handle major disrupting changes in their lives and their impact on that person and others surrounding them. We can either “move ahead” or “move backward” and regress.
Receiving the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease for a loved one is certainly a crisis in their life and our own. I can still remember sitting in the neurologist’s office with my Mom and Dad when he shared the results of her neurological testing. All her tests pointed to a probable diagnosis of Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. My heart was pounding; my hands were sweating. I felt numb inside. That was sixteen years ago! It was a crisis in my life and that of my parents. After my father’s death three years later, I became my mother’s primary caregiver. I was cast into a daunting role that caused another crisis within me. Would I have the ability to meet her needs?
Researchers note that three factors play a role in determining how effectively a person copes in a crisis. The first factor relates to your personal characteristics. These include: your age, where you live, how you solved problems in the past, how mature and confident you are.
The second group of factors relates to the crisis. These factors are: what the crisis is, how sudden was it, how controllable is it.
The third group includes your social and physical environment. How supportive are your family and friends? How accessible are community support services?
As I reflect back to that crisis period, I realize that I was somewhat prepared to take on this role. I was privileged to have had training as a counselor back in the mid-70’s. As part of that training I was introduced to the “Progoff Intensive Journal Program for Self-Development.” Dr. Ira Progoff was a psychologist who pioneered the therapeutic use of writing as a tool for ongoing self-growth. This program provides a method for keeping a journal to gain awareness about the diverse areas of one’s life and to develop a more meaningful life. Workshops are conducted throughout the USA and Canada.
One of the exercises in that journal program is called “Steppingstones.” This exercise asks us to reflect on eight to twelve steppingstones. These are periods of significant events throughout our life which, in hindsight, were marks of change for us. For each steppingstone event, you then outline the emotions, persons, fears, and hopes affiliated with it.
Caring for my mother was indeed a steppingstone event in my life. As I reflect on what previous life experiences and inner resources prepared me for this, I see that it was not only a crisis time, but became a period of transformation. It helped shape me to be the person I am today.
To those of you who are thrust into a similar caregiver role, and feel you are in a crisis situation, try to analyze the crisis. Break it down into the smallest components possible. Each of these components may not seem so threatening. It will also make it easier to develop specific strategies to deal with those smaller components one by one. Here are some recommendations to prepare yourself for dealing with the crisis:
- First, learn as much information as you can about the disease. By increasing your knowledge and understanding, you also increase your ability to cope successfully. There are numerous books, videos on line, and websites filled with resources and ways to handle a variety of stressful situations. Check out some of these at the “Resources” section of my website.
- Second, build up a support network for yourself of family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. If possible, attend a caregiver support group, talk to a professional counselor, or join an online group. A solid support network is critical. Not only is this support necessary for your emotional stability, but it may be helpful when you need to make objective, rational decisions.
- Third, preserve a reasonable emotional balance by managing upsetting feelings aroused by this crisis. Work through your feelings by restructuring your thinking, such as telling yourself, “I will not let the negative things that happen today affect my mood or behavior.” Processing your feelings allows you to deal with them and let go of the negative ones. You may not be able to control what’s going on, but you can control how you react to it.
- Fourth, maintain a satisfactory self-image and a sense of competence. Once the initial shock has worn off, get back to performing those everyday routine basic life functions. Attempt to maintain a sense of pride in doing the best you can as a caring person.
- Fifth, take care of yourself. It’s the responsible thing to do.
Here is a reflection that will help you review your life’s journey and what has prepared you for your role of caregiver, care partner. Find a quiet place where you will be free from any distractions. Make yourself comfortable and spend a few minutes just focusing on your breathing. As you breathe in, feel your body relax. As you breathe out, feel the tensions leaving your body. Let your body and mental state become calm and relaxed.
Visualize yourself sitting under the shade of a tree, on a grassy knoll overlooking a brook. Visualize removing your shoes. In doing so, you can feel your body relax as your feet make contact with the grass. Feel the wind in your hair and on your face.
You are aware that you have been on life’s journey for a long time. Therefore, give yourself permission to take a rest and savor the journey upon which you have embarked. You are reflecting upon where you have come from, where you are going, and what has been the purpose of your life. You envision your life’s experiences as an education—an experiential education.
You begin to look at your past life through telescopic lens and you can see a path of steppingstones leading from the house/hospital/place where you were born to the grassy knoll where you are now sitting. You see how each steppingstone has brought you to where you are at this given moment in time. Through the telescopic lens you can see the sequence of your life’s experiences in which one stone connects to the other. It is like a thread that weaves itself in and around each stone, connecting one to another. In the process, the patterns and meanings of your life unfold. What up until this time has felt like a random disconnected series of events, now seem like the necessary steps in a journey towards enlightenment.
Do you wonder what lies ahead? In the distance you can see a hairpin curve obliterating what lies around the corner and beyond. Do you wonder whether you would be able to navigate the journey that lies ahead?
You remember that there have been significant turning points along your life’s journey. There were roads taken and roads not taken. Can you identify which moments were the important turning points in your life? There were many obstacles along your journey, but now you envisage them as opportunities for growth.
Each steppingstone is uniquely yours, to guide you, to define your pathway or journey through life. It is a way of creating yourself, defining who you are. There are times when you may feel as though you are “between a rock and a hard place” because the choices are limiting. Remember, you do have the choice to change your attitude.
How would you like your continued journey to unfold? It is like portaging – what do you carry with you, and what do you leave behind? What do you choose to bring with you to the next place? What is the baggage that is weighing you down…slowing you down and depriving you of enjoying your journey?
When you are ready to end this time of reflection, slowly bring yourself back to the present. Write a few lines about the journey taken and the journey still to come. What has been the value for you in mapping your steppingstones? What strengths have you discovered that you possess to deal with a crisis?
Caring for a loved one has its joys, its sorrows, its high points, and low periods. The nature of the progression of Alzheimer’s disease is ever changing. Having the confidence in your ability to take on this caregiver role will help you better cope with the changes. One of my favorite bloggers, Maria Popova, puts it this way: “It is when life bends us to its will and we don’t break that we learn what we are made of.” Realize that you possess the qualities, the “mettle,” and resourcefulness that will help you through the crisis periods.
May you experience peace, patience, courage, and joy in your caregiving journey today and everyday!
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Many thanks to Merle Stern, my friend and mentor, for composing this meditation. Feel free to pass it on to friends and family, but please give credit to Merle and this website.
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Here’s a song that will hopefully bring you some joy today. “Happiness is here and now. I have dropped my worries.” https://youtu.be/Q5kteKBfQ0I
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For information about the “Progoff Intensive Journal Program for Self-Development,” go to: http://intensivejournal.org/.
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